Press Room

Definitely Real Products Inc. today reported its strongest quarter in company history, as measured by the number of products shipped that no consumer had previously requested. “We’re thrilled to be leading a category that we also invented,” said CEO Hank Plausible at a press conference attended by three journalists, two of whom were interns and one of whom may have been lost.

Following two previous voluntary recalls, DeRP Inc. has issued a third recall of its Pillow Fridge product line after reports of units achieving sentience in warmer climates. The company emphasized that the recall is “entirely precautionary” and that customers should “gently negotiate with their Pillow Fridge before attempting to return it.”

Yellowstone National Park has become the fourth national park to formally ban the sale and distribution of the HotSquatch Calendar within park boundaries. A spokesperson for the park service described the calendar as “anatomically speculative” and “deeply unsettling to the elk.” DeRP Inc. considers this a marketing win.

DeRP Inc.’s Grocery Gnomes pilot program, deployed across fourteen supermarkets in the greater Pensacola area, has exceeded its primary KPI of “customer confusion” by 340%. Store managers reported a significant uptick in customers asking staff “why is there a small man reorganizing the cereal aisle,” which DeRP considers a leading indicator of brand awareness.

Hank Plausible today announced the founding of Definitely Real Products Inc., a Delaware-based corporation dedicated to manufacturing and distributing products of questionable necessity. The event was covered by zero media outlets. Mr. Plausible issued the company’s first official statement: “We’re here now. You’re welcome.”