At Definitely Real Products Inc., leadership isn't just a title—it's a state of mind. Specifically, a state of mind that most HR consultants would describe as "concerning." Our executive team brings decades of combined experience in fields ranging from theoretical carpeting to interdimensional logistics, and at least one of them is technically not a person.
Hank Plausible
Founder & CEO
Founded DeRP after a misunderstanding at a pet store. Believes all products deserve a chance, even the bad ones. Has been described as "relentlessly optimistic" by people who mean it as a warning.
Linda Quarterly
Chief Financial Officer
Joined after being fired from a real company for "creative accounting" (she made the spreadsheets too colorful). Under her leadership, DeRP has achieved fiscal results that are technically numbers.
Bartholomew
VP of Logistics (He's a Sasquatch)
Does not speak. Communicates through meaningful silences and the occasional thrown filing cabinet. Employee of the Month 47 times. His management style has been described as "towering" and "surprisingly gentle when not throwing things."
Dr. Vivian Void
Chief Science Officer
Responsible for the Mosquito Teleporter, Pillow Fridge, and three patents classified by agencies that don't officially exist. Previously held a position at CERN that she is neither allowed to confirm nor deny.
Greg Something
VP of Vibes
Greg's exact role remains unclear to everyone, including Greg. He attends all meetings and nods approvingly. Recently promoted from "Guy in the Office." His annual performance review simply reads "present."
Susan Brochure
Head of Marketing
Created the slogan "Making things you didn't know you didn't need." Previously worked in real marketing but found it "too believable." Once ran a campaign so effective that customers bought a product that didn't exist yet.