Investor Relations — Definitely Real Products Inc.

Stock Overview

Ticker

DRP

(not actually listed)

Current Price

$4.20

(self-assessed)

Market Cap

Ambitious

52-Week Range

$3.50 – $4.20

(both self-assessed)

Quarterly Earnings — FY 2025

	Q1	Q2	Q3	Q4
Revenue¹	$2.4M	$3.1M	$1.8M	$4.7M
Expenses²	$2.3M	$4.6M	$2.9M	$3.2M
Net Income³	$0.1M	($1.5M)	($1.1M)	$1.5M
¹ Revenue measured in “vibes” and converted to USD at prevailing vibe rate ² Expenses measured in “units of customer confusion” ³ Net Income calculated by subtracting the bigger number from the smaller number, regardless of which is which

Letter to Shareholders

Dear Valued Shareholders,

Fiscal Year 2025 has been a landmark year for Definitely Real Products Inc. We are proud to report growth across nearly all of our key verticals, including but not limited to carpet sales, paranormal staffing, and refrigerated pillow logistics. Our commitment to innovation has never been stronger, and neither has our commitment to using the word “innovation” in shareholder letters.

Our strategic carpet deployment initiative yielded a 340% increase in consumer bewilderment, which, as our analysts assure us, is a leading indicator of future revenue. The Pillow Fridge division, despite three voluntary recalls, continues to demonstrate remarkable resilience and an even more remarkable ability to generate headlines. We consider all press to be good press, with the possible exception of the Pensacola Incident, which our legal team advises us not to discuss further.

Our Grocery Gnomes pilot program exceeded all confusion targets by a considerable margin. While some stakeholders have questioned the program’s scalability, we remain committed to the vision of a gnome in every grocery store in America. The HotSquatch Calendar continues to perform well in regions where it has not been banned, and we are actively exploring new markets (pending clearance from several national park services).

Looking ahead, we are investing heavily in our Mosquito Teleporter technology, which we believe will disrupt the $47 billion mosquito industry. Our Soup of the Night subscription service is experiencing unprecedented growth among insomniacs and people who simply cannot be talked out of it. And the Tragic 8-Ball remains our most philosophically honest product to date.

As always, we remain cautiously optimistic about everything and nothing.

Warmest professional regards,
Hank Plausible
Chief Executive Officer & Head of Believing in Things

Key Metrics

Products Recalled

Classified

Sasquatches Employed

4–7

Dimensions Accessed

Define Resolved

Customer Complaints Resolved

Dimension 8 access pending interdimensional clearance review.

Annual Reports

2025 “The Year of Strategic Carpet Deployment” Download ($49.99)
2024 “Growth, Gnomes, and the Pursuit of Plausibility” Download ($49.99)
2023 “A Bridge Year (the Bridge Was Imaginary)” Download ($49.99)
2022 “Pivoting Toward Something (TBD)” Download ($49.99)

Disclaimer: DRP is not listed on any stock exchange, nor any stock exchange-adjacent entity, nor any entity at all. The stock price is determined weekly by our CFO rolling a 20-sided die. Forward-looking statements in this section are forward-looking only in the sense that they face forward. Past performance is not indicative of future results, but then again, neither is anything else. This page does not constitute financial advice. Nothing constitutes financial advice. We are not even sure what “constitutes” means.

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