What began as a misunderstanding in a Delaware garage has grown into one of America's most persistently operational companies. Below is a carefully curated record of our milestones, verified by our legal team to the extent that they were willing to.
Founded in a Garage
Definitely Real Products Inc. was incorporated in Wilmington, Delaware, after founder Hank Plausible "had a vision" in his neighbor's garage. The garage has since denied any involvement. Initial capital: $40 and a coupon for Arby's.
First Product Ships
CARPETS™, our flagship sentient floor covering, becomes the first product to leave the warehouse. It was shipped to the wrong address. The recipient kept it. We counted this as a sale.
The Prediction Products Era
The Tragic 8 Ball and Soup of the Night launched simultaneously, marking our entry into the fortune-telling and nocturnal dining markets. Shortly after, the Magic Hate Ball was spun off following what internal memos describe as "creative differences" with the Tragic 8 Ball. All three remain in production, though they no longer speak to each other.
Grocery Gnomes Pilot Program
The Grocery Gnome Initiative launched across 14,000 supermarkets without anyone's permission. Store managers reported "confusion," "unexpected reorganization of the produce aisle," and "a persistent smell of cedar." The program was ruled "not technically trespassing" by a sympathetic judge.
IPO Attempted
DeRP Inc. filed paperwork to list on the New York Stock Exchange under the ticker symbol DRP. The exchange reviewed our financials and responded with a handwritten note reading "no thank you." We continue to self-assess our stock price quarterly. It has never gone down.
International Expansion
Our first international office opened in Liechtenstein at 9:00 AM and closed at 4:47 PM the same day due to what was described as "a lease issue." The Liechtenstein Tourism Board has asked us not to mention this. We have chosen not to honor that request.
Mosquito Teleporter Enters R&D
Our most ambitious product yet entered the research phase. Early prototypes successfully teleported mosquitoes to "somewhere." Lab safety incidents were reported as "within acceptable parameters," a phrase our insurance provider has since asked us to stop using.
Record Year of Products No One Asked For
A banner year: Hay Eye Companions brought AI to haystacks, Stranger's Things gave away possessions without consent, and the HotSquatch calendar redefined both cryptozoology and tasteful photography. Combined customer feedback: "Why does this exist?" — which is, frankly, our mission statement.
Pillow Fridge Mass Production
The Pillow Fridge entered mass production and immediately set a company record with three product recalls in a single fiscal quarter. Issues cited included "unexpected condensation," "a noise," and "regulatory ambiguity about whether this is a pillow or a fridge." We maintain it is both.
Digital Transformation
DeRP Inc. launched derp.jimchristian.net, our first web presence that wasn't a GeoCities page. The previous site, hosted since 2001, featured a visitor counter, three animated GIFs of a dancing baby, and an auto-playing MIDI of "Livin' La Vida Loca." We have preserved it for posterity. We will not tell you where.
"The best is yet to come. Probably. We haven't checked."
— Hank Plausible, CEO, every year since 1997