Choose Your Breed
Bella, age 2
The Shagpile
Canis Automotivus Flufficus
Our most popular model. Luxuriously fluffy. Sheds fibres instead of fur. Loves long drives and hates puddles.
$299 $199
Sir Reginald III
The Persian
Canis Automotivus Elegantus
For the discerning motorist. Intricate patterns. Requires weekly vacuuming. Judges your driving silently.
$499 $399
Buddy, enjoying the breeze
The Labrador
Canis Automotivus Practicus
Durable, friendly, good with kids. Comes pre-stained for authenticity. Will never fetch anything.
$249 $149
Compare Models
| Feature | Shagpile | Persian | Labrador |
|---|---|---|---|
| Fluffiness | *** | ** | * |
| Stain Resistance | NO | NO | N/A (Pre-stained) |
| Judges You | Sometimes | ALWAYS | Never |
| Fits Cup Holder | NO | NO | NO |
| Vet Bills | $0/yr | $0/yr | $0/yr |
| Love | Uncertain | Conditional | Fabric-based |
Traditional Mats vs CARPETS™
The choice is clear. CARPETS offer emotional support, unconditional love, and zero vet bills.
CARPETS Care Guide
Proper care ensures a long, happy relationship with your automotive companion.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Is it a carpet or a pet?
A: Yes.
Q: Does it need to be walked?
A: No, but it does need to be driven. Carpets thrive on regular commutes and weekend road trips.
Q: Can I take my Carpet to the vet?
A: You can, but we recommend a professional carpet cleaner instead. They understand its needs better.
Q: Will my Carpet get along with my actual pet?
A: Most pets will ignore your Carpet completely, which is exactly how Carpets prefer it.
Q: What is your return policy?
A: Carpets are for life. We do not accept returns. This is a commitment. Think carefully.
Q: Is this real?
A: Is anything?