Our Mission
"Making things you didn't know you didn't need since 1997."
At Definitely Real Products Inc., we believe the best ideas are the ones nobody asked for. Our mission is simple: to identify gaps in the market that aren't actually there, and then fill them with products of questionable necessity but undeniable existence. Every item in our catalog represents hundreds of hours of development that could have been spent on something useful — but wasn't.
We are proud to serve a customer base that, to the best of our knowledge, includes at least several people. Our products have been described as "unexpected," "confusing," and "technically not illegal," and we consider all three of those to be compliments.
Our Values
Innovation
We ask "what if?" so often that our R&D department has started answering before anyone speaks. Most of our patents are pending. Some are apologizing.
Integrity
We stand by every product we ship, usually because we're contractually required to remain within 50 feet of them during the recall period. Transparency is our second-most important value, right after this one.
Implausibility
If a product idea sounds reasonable, we send it back to the drawing board. Our best work happens when someone in the room says "wait, are you serious?" and no one answers.
Interdimensional Compliance
All DeRP products are fully compliant with regulations in this dimension and at least two adjacent ones. We cannot speak to dimensions 5 through 7 at this time due to ongoing litigation.
Inclusivity
Our products are designed for everyone, regardless of species, plane of existence, or opinion about carpets. We are an equal-opportunity confuser and welcome customers of all backgrounds and levels of bewilderment.
Indemnification
We believe in protecting our stakeholders, primarily from the consequences of our own products. Every employee receives comprehensive liability coverage and a laminated card explaining what to say if the authorities ask questions.
By The Numbers
Probably
Products Shipped
≥ 1
Countries Served
TBD
Customer Satisfaction
███
Sasquatches Employed
7
Recalls This Year
4–7
Office Dimensions
Corporate Responsibility
"Doing the right thing, approximately."
DeRP Inc. is committed to sustainable business practices. Our Sasquatch Employment Program (SEP) is the largest of its kind in the tri-state area, providing fair wages, benefits, and a strict no-photography policy in the workplace. We believe every Sasquatch deserves dignity, competitive compensation, and a corner office with blackout curtains.
Our carpet manufacturing division achieved carbon-neutral certification in 2022 after we discovered that our carpets naturally absorb CO₂ at a rate that scientists have described as "not how carpets work." We have chosen not to investigate further and instead simply accept the award.
Additionally, our Grocery Gnome reforestation initiative has planted over 200 trees in locations we are not at liberty to disclose. Each tree is monitored by a gnome, who reports back through channels we also cannot disclose. The program has been called "confusing but net positive" by the EPA, which we've printed on our letterhead.
Quick Facts
- Founded 1997
- Headquarters Suite 404, Plausible Tower, Wilmington, Delaware (probably)
- Employees Classified
- Stock Ticker DRP (self-assessed)
- CEO Hank Plausible
- Revenue Ambitious